Seeing through our invisible glasses

Oct 20, 2024

Written by: Nikki Deskovich

How we see

It’s so easy and comforting to believe we know what is “true” and what is “right”. It seems so clear how things ‘are’ or should be. But, if it’s so obvious, why do we end up in disagreements with others? How is it that they can see things so differently, and so wrong at times?

To understand this, imagine that when we look at the world and situations around us (conversations, circumstances, others’ behaviors), we’re looking through a pair of invisible eyeglasses (or film over our existing glasses) that help us see the world around us, and interpret what we see. It’s through these special glasses that we see what we believe to be true and right.

Do you See What I See?

These special invisible glasses are unique to each of us, so how the world (situations) looks to me through my glasses may be different than how the same situations come into focus through your glasses. Our unique lenses are shaped by our often-unconscious mindsets, deeply held beliefs, values, and moods, and have been honed over years by our upbringing, culture, experiences, hardships, etc.

These invisible glasses are also very mutable – as our mindsets, moods, beliefs change, so too does what we are able to “see”.

“We think we see the world as it is, when in fact we see the world as we are.” Stephen R. Covey

When we are scared and afraid, the world is a scary place.

‍If we are happy and filled with joy, the world is a beautiful place.

‍But it’s the same world.

Even when we’re both in / witnessing the same situation or conversation as others, we may “see” (interpret) it very differently, since our glasses filter and focus differently, yet what we see feels very true and right to us.

How we interpret what we see drives what we do; our reactions to situations and others, the actions we do (or don’t) take, and conversations we do (or don’t) have are limited based on our interpretations – as if our invisible glasses are actually blocking out certain possibilities.

Most of us have no idea we’re looking through these glasses, or how they influence – and limit – what we understand, and what we do.

Learning to look ‘at’ that which we look ‘through’

What if we could become more aware of our special glasses? To take them off and look at them more closely, to consider how they were shaped, what they may be filtering in/out, and thus, what we are assuming, interpreting, or misinterpreting? We might then be able to understand how these internal narratives influence how we relate to others and the situations around us.

When we’re able to look at our glasses, we’ll discover that we have deeply held beliefs about the world, and a set of standards by which we measure things as good, bad, right, wrong. These are often unconscious to us – we just think it is the way the world “is” or should be. It gets really interesting when we have different beliefs and standards of what is good, bad, right, wrong from others we interact with, causing different reactions/actions, yet neither of us are aware of the different underlying beliefs and standards causing the disagreement.

It’s a powerful skill to be able to reflect on how our personal world-filtering glasses (and thus our interpretations) are being shaped:

What must I believe to be true to have this interpretation of this situation / person?

Where do my beliefs stem from?

How does my upbringing, culture, society, ancestors influence how I see?

How might my relationship with others influence my interpretations of their behavior?

To Bag or Not to Bag?

To illustrate how different standards can lead to disagreements, as a person who cares deeply about the environment, I often take purchases from stores without a bag, or in my own reusable bag, to have less waste. I judge this option as “good” since it is aligned with my values. While shopping with a friend, I noticed she took a bag for every purchase, which I immediately judged and (unconsciously) created a narrative that she is ‘wasteful’ and must not care about the environment.

In that moment, I was ‘seeing’ through my strong personal values, and my status in life as a middle-aged, middle-class white women made certain choices available to me – I saw no-bag as the ‘right’ choice to protect the environment. My friend wears different glasses – as a person of color who had encountered unconscious bias and accusations by store clerks growing up, her world-filtering glasses leads her to judge the situation very differently, and sees walking out of a store with a bag (and receipt as proof of purchase) as the ‘right’ choice, to protect herself. Same situation, seen through different invisible glasses, creating different narratives and led to different actions (bag / no bag).

TO me or FOR me?

For a work example – years ago when my boss made a recommendation via email to change how we ran a program I was responsible for, my‘glasses’ created an immediate reaction. My narrative was that the suggested changes would be completely unmanageable and a huge mistake, and “he must not like the way I’m running this program and must not trust me to manage it well.” At first, I started to defend and dismiss – “No, that won’t work for all these reasons….”. Then I felt resigned and wanted to reply “Fine. I’ll do whatever you want”. Recognizing that I was feeling emotionally triggered, I took a pause.

The world we feel is the world we see.

And, the world sees exactly how we feel.

At this moment in my career, I was feeling particularly stressed from long hours, and desperate to prove myself after a recent stretch-promotion. From this outlook, my glasses were coloring my interpretation of the email and options for how to reply.

Thinking of other possible interpretations of the email and looking at it from his perspective, I could see that it was more likely that he just wanted to make it easier for him participate in the program with his busy schedule, which meant we actually had a shared objective – success of the program and his participation in it.

Shifting from seeing the email as a mandate being done to me, to something being done for me (an invitation to make improvements and keep him engaged) changed how I was feeling, and brought much greater clarity to my thinking. By examining the filter on my glasses, opening myself up to this different interpretation, and focusing on the outcome I most wanted, I was able to see a path forward and choose a much more constructive response (something like “Thanks for your interest in the program – let me play around with this suggestion and see what we can make work.”).

Catch it, Check it, Choose it

So once we become aware that we’re wearing these invisible glasses and that they skew what we see, how can we expand our field of vision, and make better choices to get the outcomes we most want? Consider these three steps:

Catch it

First, catch your internal storyteller creating skewed or limited interpretations of a situation whenever you have a strong emotion about yourself or others for more than a few moments, then Name it to Tame it – labeling what we’re feeling helps to soothe the emotional part of our brain and activate the rational part.

e.g., In reaction to by boss’s email, I felt defensive, frustrated, untrusted, and hurt.

Check it

Then, check how you’re “seeing” the situation by separating the observable and measurable facts from the assumptions and judgements you’re making and the meaning you’re giving to the situation. Identify the facts vs narrative, such as in my example:

What were the specific words in the email from my boss?

Look at the evidence – what other data points “prove” my interpretation of the situation? AND (more importantly), is there contrary evidence that could show that my interpretation isn’t true, or that other interpretations are at least somewhat true?

Are there other ways my boss has indicated his distrust of me (proof of my first interpretation)? In what ways has he shown confidence in me (contrary evidence))?

Then “get up on the balcony” – consider how a situation could be seen from other viewpoints with these facts and evidence in mind… what could be the other person’s objectives? What might the situation it look like from over there? Or, by someone with different cultural upbringing and beliefs? And consider what is your role in it… how am I contributing to, or allowing this situation to perpetuate?

From my boss’s perspective, what were his likely objectives when sending the email?

Choose it

Finally, get on clear outcomes, and make a choice that best serves those outcomes, beyond the immediate moment:

What do I most want in this situation?
What does “great” look like from me in this moment?
What is the response / path forward that best serves all stakeholders here?

How we See > Actions we take > Outcomes we get

In summary, our invisible glasses – shaped by our mindsets, moods, values, beliefs, culture, histories, language etc. – filters the world we see and the interpretations we make of what we see. From these interpretations we create our own narratives: very believable stories about what is true, and right. From these narratives we make choices for action (or inaction), which determines the results and outcomes we get. Limited interpretations yields skewed or seemingly limited choices. Examining and expanding our interpretations can give us more choices to consider for how to respond, act and interact, and ultimately increase our chances of getting the outcomes we most want in our personal and professional lives.